It is moments like these that make you glad to be alive. And it is moments like these that make you wonder how long you will be alive. When war is so near, and death is within days of staring you right in the face, it tends to focus the mind. I imagine that is how the inhabitants of Kyiv feel right now. The shadow of a sinister world looking over their shoulder. The devil’s breath on the back of their necks. The potential for the end of one world and the beginning of God only knows what comes next is days, minutes, or seconds away. The malevolent agents of change can be found two hundred kilometers to the north in the fields and forests of Belarus where tanks engines idle. Somewhere down in the Donbas the screaming might start at any moment. And the Black Sea has never looked darker. A storm threatens to fall on Ukraine from three sides. Ironically, the only way out is to the west. At this moment, that seems particularly appropriate. Geography really is destiny.

Looming Presence – The Not-So-Secret Service
As war grows ever nearer between Ukraine and Russia, I cannot help but turn my thoughts to Kyiv. It was just a decade ago when I made my first and only visit to the city. I guess it is appropriate that my eastern travels ended there, because it was tragedy that brought me to Kyiv in the first place. If not for the possibility of visiting Chernobyl, I would have stayed in Lviv. Lviv was sweetness and light, a powerful aroma of Austria-Hungary still pervaded the place, whereas in Kyiv I caught a whiff of the malodorous venality and violence that the 20th century brought to that unfortunate city. Kyiv was big, brash, and busy. It was dark cars with even darker windows, the equivalent of Ukrainian soccer moms taking their kids to school in Mercedes SUVs and Stalinist Empire style architecture. Imagine a wedding cake where all the candles may explode at any moment, the bride and gloom so close together. It was easy to see how the city had once been the setting for a May Day parade in 1987 where radioactivity rolled through the streets. Nothing comes easy in Kyiv.
I found Kyiv intimidating, to the point that it scared the hell out of me. The city never felt like it was on a human scale. Every aspect of Kyiv seemed larger than life. Perhaps its builders, or should I say rebuilders – since much of it was destroyed in the Second World War and then rebuilt – planned it that way. The metro swallowed passengers, the government quarter was filled with sinister policemen who could put the Soviet security apparatus to shame, the churches were on a fantastic scale that was scarcely imaginable. I never felt confident while walking around the city. Kyiv was a paradox, a place where I believed something bad was bound to happen and never did, at least not to me. The city was something of a bully, a constant confrontation with a menacing energy all its own. Independence Square (Maidan Nezalezhnosti) seemed shackled to the Soviet past. Something sinister always seemed to be lurking in Kyiv. This was the feeling that I could not shake. It had something to do with the police presence that could be felt within a kilometer of any government building. Men with earpieces in dark suits were part of the not-so-secret service. This was during Viktor Yanukovych’s reign of corruption. His presence creeped around every corner.

Endless Excesses – Wandering & Wondering
Kyiv was as far east as I ever made it in Europe. Anything beyond that seemed frighteningly foreign. Standing on the banks of the Dnipro River (Dnieper River), the river looked larger than I ever imagined. I was too scared to ever cross over it. Kyiv offered the proverbial bridge too far. Here was one of the few chances I would not take while traveling. All I knew beyond Kiev was Kharkiv, rumors of a Soviet style city on steroids kept me from going there. Now I wonder if I will ever set foot again in Kyiv. More to the point, I wonder if I will ever want to come back. With the endless litany of threats emanating from Russia, the constant specter of war mongering and the feeling of inevitability that things are about to change for the worse, Kyiv is physically off limits to travelers in the foreseeable future.
At least for me, as a memory Kyiv can still be visited. I cannot help but think of those I met in the city during my short and memorable stay. The extremely shy girl at the hostel who gave me a box of chocolates on the day of my departure, the woman who would only take small notes of Hryvna at the sidewalk kiosk rather than risk having to make change, she knew how to give no for an answer. The rudest guide imaginable who gave me and one other man a tour taking in much of the government quarter. He was just as angry and argumentative as the government in power during that time. I wonder what has happened to them, I wonder what will happen to them. Even for those who treated me with disdain, I now feel a deep and abiding sympathy. Kyiv must not be an easy place to live, it is as hard as the concrete constructions of its Soviet era structures. There is a spectacular beauty that await those tough enough to survive its endless excesses.

Double Dealing – Against The Odds
Kyiv is too important to be ignored. An enemy cannot help but want to occupy it. The Mongols certainly did in the 13th century, the Lithuanians in the 14th century, the Russians in the 17th century, the Soviets and Germans in the 20th century and now the Russians might be coming back in the 21st century. With these types of visitors, is it any wonder that Kyiv is less than welcoming? If Russian troops try to take Kyiv, it could turn into a bloodbath of urban warfare. The Ukrainians who now inhabit Kyiv do not seem like the type to back down. In fact, they are used to having their backs to the wall. The odds were not in their favor in 1991 or 2004 or 2014. Nonetheless, their defiance in the face of withering corruption and double-dealing politicians has served them well. Against incredible odds they have remained free. Civil society in Kyiv, as in the rest of Ukraine, is as strong as their many post-Soviet governments have been weak. These are people destined to define their history one way or another. They will fight to keep their country free. It is a tragedy of unfathomable proportions that so many will die in the process. I hope I am wrong, but something tells me I am not.